I'll Follow The Sun

2010-07-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

special enough
to inspire a million words
yet produce none
for a million won't do

2008-12-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

When it's my time to go
I need you to know
I'll love you always

2008-03-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

I saw her smile fade
and stopped

my mistake

2008-02-10T18:23:00.000-08:00

Today I almost got hit by a car
and for a split second

I became one of those assholes who appreciates every moment

2008-02-06T03:14:00.000-08:00

the faint
and
fleeting memories
of
her apathetic
face
make me
sick

the incompetence
of
time to
rid
her from
my
mind is
unfortunate
at best

perhaps
if I
would
let it

2007-11-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

Someday robots will rule the world.

And Mexicans will work for minimum wage.

2007-08-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

The Turtle Parade

I.

oh,
the filth
and
fury of
the
nightingale's whistle
illuminates
the darkness
to
reveal a
punch
drunk procession,
one
absent a
brain,
marching slowly
in
time in
the
turtle parade

II.

magistrates and
rancid
troupe men
grate
their crooked
teeth
beneath their
veils
while skeletons
in
the closet
remain
disguised as
coat
hangers in
the
turtle parade

III.

oh,
I see
the
foolish party
in
my dreams
at
night and
stir
awake upon
the
backs of
brutes
and as
I
hear cries
of
verity inside
the
grenade they
are
lost in
the
shrapnel in
the
turtle parade

2007-08-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

Shooting Star

He
took a
moment to bask
in the
reflected
moonlight
that danced
across her face
from the
waves
on
the ocean
as the spark
in his
heart
disappeared
like a
shooting star fighting
for its
life

2007-08-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

Lonely Man

It was Friday night nearly 10:15
I was almost asleep on the bar
There was an old man sitting next to me
lighting up a few 10 cent cigars

For hours the place had been empty
filled with nothing but silence and smoke
when the old man turned and spoke to me
after clearing the blues from his throat

He said, "Son, can I tell you something?"
as he slowly let go of his smile
"I'm not asking for pity or anything,
but would you mind listening for a while?

This is a song for the lonely man
though I'm not really sure how it goes
but he sits here again with his glass and a friend
and it's better than drinking alone

As he sat in the shadows of loneliness
like a disheartened iconoclast
he mused that he knew that she loved him less
than the ice at the end of his glass

While the bartender poured him a memory
he filled up his face with a smile
and he said, "Doc, the man who I used to be
hasn't shown up 'round here for a while"

Then he paused from his trite conversation
all the courage was gone from his breath
said "she left me with no hesitation
and that's a debt that I'll pay 'till my death"

This is a song for the lonely man
though I'm not really sure how it goes
but he cries here after telling me about her
and it's better than crying alone

He didn't seem like a fitting role model
when he told me his son was his life
but then he said he put down the bottle
for the woman that became his wife

So when he asked me why everyone leaves him
I was not really sure what to say
but he hopelessly answered his question
saying "it doesn't matter anyway"

It was around the 4th of December
when they lowered him into his grave
and his headstone read "those who remember
he promised he always forgave"

This is a song for the lonely man
though I'm not really sure how it goes
but while he died in the end he could call me a friend
and it's better than dying alone

2007-08-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

Kaiser March

he's tyrannous and powerful
his iron fist is waving
dominant and ruthless
it's his people he's enslaving

the villages are torn apart
by war and constant pressure
the death toll rises everyday
it's difficult to measure

and the Kaiser takes another life

the children play in streets of hate
he fills their hearts with anger
what happened to the innocence
amidst this life of danger

he breeds them all to fight for him
for his flag and his country
but what they're really fighting for
is his personal glory

and the Kaiser takes another life

daily life is worsening
conditions are unstable
many live in poverty
get by on what they're able

the citizens have all been warned
to stay inside their houses
those who choose to test his might
he buries by the thousands

and the Kaiser takes another life

more and more are sent to fight
the country is in trouble
people walk the streets at night
trying to clear the rubble

the battlefield gets deadlier
the war is getting closer
many men and children die
trying to hold the border

and the Kaiser takes another life

the streets are filled with ash and stone
the sky is growing hazy
he thinks he's won this holy war
all others think he's crazy

they rise against him one-by-one
they stand up with each other
he's trapped inside his own empire
the country can recover

and the Kaiser takes another life

2007-08-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

This Was Murder

It's not that I hadn't seen a dead person before.
I had.
I was at my grandmother's open casket funeral.
And it wasn't that I wasn't familiar with death.
I was.
Many people somewhere in my life have died.

But this wasn't just a dead person.
This was a victim.
And this wasn't just death.
This was murder.

As he took me through the experience,
he showed me the apartment complex.
He showed me the shabby yard littered with broken toys
and other garbage.
He showed me the front door of the apartment.
And then he showed me her body.

Movies and TV has desensitized me to violence and murder,
but in the back of my mind, I always knew those weren't more than actors
holding their breath.

But there was something about her face.
Something about the way she looked
through those eyes.
With nothing behind them anymore.
Just an empty body on the carpet in front of me.

As we went on, he showed me the blanket
that had been draped over her face.
He showed me the abrasions on her shoulder.
And then he showed me the shoe print on her neck.

This was real.
This happened.
Still looking at her face, her eyes,
I imagined what she must have been feeling
when she had that boot pressed against her throat.
What it must have felt like to be at the mercy of someone
that would go as far as stomping on her neck
in order to kill her.

We jumped a few days, and he showed me the autopsy.
He showed me all the trauma she sustained.
He showed me what bruises look like
when blood stops pumping through the body.
And then he showed me her tongue,
cut from her throat.

A sure sign of strangulation is a broken hyoid bone.
In order to see if it's broken, it, attached to the tongue,
must be removed from the body and examined.

It was broken.
We were finished.

My reaction at that point surprised me.
I felt light headed, began to sweat, and felt sick.
And it was totally visceral.
My mind couldn't handle such a shock.
This was too real.
On the surface, this was just like any other murder movie.
But my brain could tell the difference.
And my brain let me know.

Something about the was she looked
through those eyes
with nothing behind them anymore
really got through to me.

It's not that I hadn't seen a dead person before.
I had.
But this was victim.
And it wasn't that I wasn't familiar with death.
I was.
But this was murder.
This was different.

2007-07-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

Plywood Windows

With a careworn face
and a cardboard justification
a pair of green shorts
with a shabby John Lennon t-shirt
tied around them
sit above haggard gray soles
in front of a building
with plywood windows

2007-07-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Telling

The only readable words
on any of the faded pages
of that journal
were "I miss you."

2007-07-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

Thanks

A good friend
from another world
peeks
into mine
and
speaks as if
he never left

2007-07-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

Golden Gaze

God's gaze gives the Golden Gate its grace.

2007-07-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

Friends & Enemies

Place the apple on my head
and let the arrow go
but if the sunrise finds me dead
I'll trust in you no more

2007-07-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

Summer

The corded edge
of the red
cafe awning
brushes against the window
as it sways
in the warm breeze

2007-07-03T07:02:00.000-07:00

Dinner For Two

The candlelight
flickered
in your eyes
as your foot
brushed mine
under the table

2007-06-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

At the Base of a Cliff

The church bells echoed off the hillside as passing carriages splashed water from puddles on the cobblestone streets, still wet with yesterday's rain. As the sun rose that morning, with hints of thunder lingering in the sky, and the pews cleared out, the farmers tended to their crops, or at least what was left of them. This storm was quite a shock, but the small village thrived in its wake. It seemed as though nothing could interrupt this world, full of natural beauty and wonderful people. The farmers, the baker, the tailor who had sewn most of the clothes in the village at one time or another. The schoolteacher who everyone loved, especially her students, and the barber with the regal white beard and friendly smile, always telling stories that would brighten your day. Everyone knew each others names, how their children were doing in school, even what they were all doing for dinner. It was quite a close community.

Ah, but there was one man who's name most people didn't know. Who had not been taught by the schoolteacher, and who had not heard a single story from the barber. Who's clothes the tailor had not sewn. Clothes of which thread he wouldn't dare touch. Clothes of the man who lived not more than a half mile from the village square, yet was never seen. Some say he stayed in because he was afraid of showing his ugly face, for the constant shadows in which he dwelt had disfigured him over time. Others said he left early each morning down the road and didn't return until nightfall, sometimes returning uglier than when he left. Other said he was simply dead; killed by his own conscience. While none of these were known to be true, one thing was: the townspeople were comfortable with the distant relationship.

Yet some were not satisfied with his mere absence from sight. It was if they could smell his presence; as if he were a disease thats infection was worse than any flu. While many prayed for him each Sunday, some refused to even acknowledge him, except of course to condemn him. However, as much as they talked, no one dared come a step closer than 30 paces to his door. As far as everyone was concerned, he could rot in peace.

One dark night, however, after stumbling out of the village tavern, the smell of bourbon ripe on their breath, a group of townsmen headed down the road in the direction of his door. They were fed up with the man that plagued their village, and decided that night to do something about it. Just as the men caught sight of his door, they heard it creak open, and saw him emerge. The men were unsure of what to do, having bucked up the courage to walk to the door, but not ever truly expecting anything to come of it. As they watched him shut his door and head up the road out of town, they slowly followed, keeping a good distance behind. They followed for almost two miles until he stopped. Looking over the cliffs on the edge of the village, the man stood, silent and steady, just looking, as if waiting for something. The ground was still wet, and his boots were slowly sinking in the mud, yet he remained.

After what seemed like an hour, the men grew restless. One began sneaking along behind, not knowing what he planned to do, but feeling the animosity swelling inside him. He thought of his children, his wife, the rest of the village, and pondered just how life would be without this curse of a man. Just then, the man moved. The townsmen shuttered and hurried quietly out of sight. The one who had crept around behind felt his heart beat almost double in time, fearing he would be seen. The man struggled to pull his feet from the mud as he began to kneel. To the townsmen, or at least the one behind the man, it looked almost as if he was crying. And being the church-going folk they were, they could have sworn that his faint mumbling was a prayer. It could not be though, for this was an evil man. But the more they listened, the more they were convinced that it truly was a prayer. How could this be? This infuriated the townsman behind the man, and in a moment, he leaped from his hiding place toward the man, who was still knelt, and in a fit of rage gave him a mighty shove. The man lurched forward over the cliff, but was still stuck in the mud. Realizing the consequences of this action, the townsmen fled back to the village. Struggling to hold on, the man dug his hands into the mud and tried to pull himself to safety. Grunting like some frightened farm animal, he gave a final surge, but it was not enough. The mud gave way, heaving him over the cliff to the depths below.

When the townsmen returned to the village, they crept quietly into their houses and into bed, and slept that night as if nothing had happened. Life went on as usual in the village after that, no one the wiser.

The man is something of a myth now, nobody sure if this tale is true. Not sure if anyone had ever tried to help the man who had plunged from the cliffs that night. The story says he was judged on appearance and hearsay, and never had a chance, and the villagers were content with that. Perhaps the man was flawed, yes, indeed he was. He hadn't the resources to help himself, but searched for them until he was finally thrown from the cliffs by the very people who could have helped him. But few had any idea, and most likely never would. And they were content with that.

But the man who was thrown from the cliffs that night, he did not die. He remains, as real as ever, and that is the saddest part of all.

2007-05-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a place to hide
because I can't fit under my bed anymore.

And the monsters found me.

2007-04-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

Crossroads

the truth about the human mind
it hides the fear of human kind
blocks it out as if to blind
the people from themselves

it fills the void of daily life
it aims to end the shame and strife
yet cuts through judgment like a knife
and makes us second guess

if only for a second, two
I may have caught a glimpse of you
but as my mind intends to do
I seem to have forgot

if man can fail so easily
to rid the world of misery
then what will be the fate of me
when trouble comes to call

we can't distinguish right or wrong
the words we're preached in speech and song
but we will stay where we belong
as if we know no better

so when the judgment day does come
and they surrender, they succumb
to hear the single beating drum
that pounds within our hearts

maybe then we'll see the day
when we rise and stand to say
that this is ours and we will stay
no matter what the cost

for in my soul I know it true
the good of man lies within you
whatever you intend to do
plan to march with me

into the light of sanctity
for you are what empowers me
to be the man I want to be
and I thank you for that

2007-04-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

On my mom's birthday, I put on my best suit, I get my haircut.

I pretend she's coming home.

2007-03-16T01:14:00.000-07:00

He sits

As he sits,
his friends just watch.
They judge, they shake their heads,
they do everything except reach out,
and help.

"Does he do that to fit in?"
"Does he think it's funny or cool?"
"Does he know he has a problem?"

No. He doesn't.
You may, but he doesn't.

He just sits.
And his grave gets a little deeper.

2007-03-09T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have paid my grandmother's phone bill for the past year.

Just so I can hear her voice.

2007-03-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

Smile

...Where we began

It's been so long since that day
that I first saw your face
and noticed the way you smiled
And I thank God everyday that I did.

Each time you do, each time
I'm back in that moment
hoping that this love is real
And I thank God everyday that it is.

As I sleep tonight,
I hope to dream of you
but only so that when I wake
I get to wake up next to you

Then I smile
because a clear dream of you
is worth far less than your reality
And I thank God everyday that it is.

But what would life be like
if I'd been born 30 years before you
in the neighborhood where you live?

If you passed my house on your bike
would I know it was you
by the way you smiled at me?

What would happen
if for some reason the world ended tonight
would it end you and I?

Would I be afraid?

And then you smile.

I am back...

2007-02-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

No Room for Bad Moods

A dimension not far from where my mind plays
lies darkness I willingly forgo

It's not what lies ahead, but within, that scares me
as spite drafts through the corridors of my observation

Keen my mind yet still faults
knowing not how to manage
but yields knowing well the benefits

I can calmly pass the clouded door
for I know we will meet in the next
where it is light again

2007-01-30T15:44:00.000-08:00

What I Found

It was a dark, cold night
as the snow was falling down
I pulled my jacket tight
as I stepped outside
and all I saw
and all I saw was white.

I was a lonely man
and the only one who knew
I had my own two hands
and a roof over my head
the winter's so
the winter's so long.

All the stars in the sky
fell down to the ground
and laid my eyes
on what I found.

It was a slight shadow
fair and familiar in the dark
but how did I know
what it should have meant to me
it called out loud
it called out loud my name.

And in the bright silence
we walked toward each other
And in my cold voidance
I didn't recognize myself
my lonely heart
my lonely heart awoke.

All the stars in the sky
fell down to the ground
and laid my eyes
on what I found.

2007-01-29T22:46:00.000-08:00

I get up in the morning
turn the shower on
climb on in to another day
water's hot and I'm not
so I soak a while
try to wash all my cares away

2007-01-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

We bet him five dollars that he would drown.

A bittersweet victory.

2007-01-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

Edge Of Time

Driving down the freeway as the sun sets slow
across into the outskirts of town
I can't see where I'm going but my foot stays steady
I may be blinded but I won't slow down

The tires tearing down the road are running low
and my mind and heart are getting sore
But when night turns to day they won't see me this way
'cause I'll find what I'm looking for

Oh I believe that there's something there
a light at the end of the line
so I'll carry on until my final destination
a darkness on the edge of time

I don't know if I'm fighting for the good or bad
the pouring rain has blurred my view
but the hope that lies within my heart is burning red
I'm hoping it'll get through to you

The narrow road that lies ahead is closing fast
I'm soon going to pass you by
but before I go there's something you should know
My love for you will never die

Oh I believe that there's something there
a light at the end of the line
so I'll carry on until my final destination
a darkness on the edge of time

2006-12-12T02:13:00.000-08:00

devil lived

behind the lid
of a lad
name lyle lived
a vile albeit
little creature who
loved to smile

[Cody]

devil lied

forlorn the figure
of little lyle
scratched his horn
poised his pistol
pointed focused on
a clone profile
as if anointed
all the while

[Kevin]

devil died

but lyle hadn't
lied to say
the least the
devil was surprised
by the bit
of bullet flying
towards his eye

[Cody]

-The first of many collaborations

2006-11-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

Watch The World

I watched the smoke
as it blew higher
up and through the roof
I watched the hose
as it blew harder
as the fire grew
I watched as Noah
professed to Allie
that his love was true
I held your hand
and sat there knowing
that we'd make it through

2006-11-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

Your end

The first fall of winter
a deep shade of red
flooding the streets
for the things that were said
the children are playing
their faces aglow
they can't wait to dive in
to the blood in the snow

It's painting the sidewalks
and drowning the yards
people line up
with their blood donor cards
they sign up and offer
their own to be spilled
this show has turned out
to be darker than billed

The stunned of the living
are walking the streets
more wake from the gurneys
and rise to their feet
so throw on your black shoes
dripping with blood
and take to the march
of this penitence flood

Disease from the wounded
hangs ripe in the air
like pains of the night
that you had the affair
so sit back, relax
and don't put up a fight
you have front row tickets
to opening night

The sharpest of knives
will cut deeper than bone
and show you just how
you die cold and alone
and when the band marches
across your black soul
I'll watch from the rooftops
and wave as they go

These darkest of days
came from morbid beliefs
that apologies offered
came through gritted teeth
so say your goodbyes
it's your final farewell
I'll savor your death
and I'll see you in hell

2006-11-03T01:59:00.000-08:00

Torn [working]

He hung up the phone. He was so clearly unprepared when he got the news. He sat stunned for a second, fumbling with his thoughts. He was a bit shaken, and wasn't sure what could be happening. Just then he remembered. But he never expected the news to come now, not this early.

The trip to his car seemed especially long today. As he neared, he pawed for his keys in his pocket. When he retrieved them, he scratched the red paint around the keyhole trying to unlock the door, exposing the metal beneath, and when he finally found it, he jumped in, turned the key and sped off. The tire marks he left cooled quickly in the rain.

The doctor's words echoed in his head as he flew home: "She's not doing too well, you better come now."

He saw the doctor standing in the doorway as he pulled up the driveway. He walked up uneasily, and with a wince and a hitch, he climbed the stairs to the deck. His hip had been bothering him ever since he caught her when she stumbled on the stairs last week. "Better me than them," he had thought.

"It's a girl" the doctor said, his passive expression both thrilling and puzzling. "And she's perfectly healthy." He was relieved. A smile blossomed on his face as he realized he was a father. He had been neutral on which sex he desired, holding neither in higher esteem than the other, but when he pictured what his new baby girl might look like, he was pleased with the outcome. He didn't want to know what the baby's sex was going to be before the birth, and neither did his wife, so-

"Oh my God," he said, the smile now far from his face, "is my wife-?"

The doctor bowed his head. "Unfortunately, the mother suffered extensive blood loss, and with the other complications during the birth-" The doctor sighed. "You better hurry."

He opened the door, not sure what to feel as he entered, but he could not help but be moved by the sight of her slender body lying weak in the center of the room. He went to her, and as he approached, she looked up at him with a fading gaze. He watched as tears fell from her eyes. She opened her nearly lifeless lips and moved to speak, but from them could choke only silent sobs.

Bereaved, he clenched her hand and said to her, "She's beautiful. She's beautiful and she's healthy, but she needs you, I need you, please don't leave us. I can't do it without you." He sobbed as the final tear fell from her face. "I love you" he whispered, as he kissed her hand, "I love you so much." He repeated these words endlessly, as if saying them would bring her back. "I love you."

After what seemed like forever, he placed her hand on her chest, wiped the tears from her cold cheeks, and kissed her forehead. "I love you" he whispered again. He rose to his feet as the medics arrived, wiped his nose, and went to check on his baby girl.

The days passed, he had planned the funeral, and had received only his closest visitors. He sat by the fire, holding his new daughter wrapped in a blanket as the cold rain fell as hard as his tears fell on his knees. He knew he needed her light to guide him through the darkness. He had to raise her the way they would have done together. He began to speak aloud in a somber voice, not necessarily to God, but to whoever was listening: "I knew in a general way how bittersweet life could be, but such bitterness seen through my own eyes has upset and repelled me, for never have I felt sorrow so afflicting." His little girl, peacefully sleeping, was the only thing keeping him together. But she knew not of his pain, and certainly not of her own loss. The innocence embodied in this child was painful to him.

He sat there and rocked, adoring his princess, admiring her, for she would grow to be just like her mother, and that would be the most beautiful thing.

[Still needs work]

2006-10-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

When The Day Comes

He had waited his whole life for this
And finally the time came when he knew it was right
You wouldn't know it from the way he was shaking
Looking into her eyes when he asked her, he knew
Even though she hadn't answered him yet, he knew
Yes

2006-10-28T04:55:00.000-07:00

What really matters

I haven't been sure about much in my life. There's been a lot of transition and changes I've gone through, many whether I liked it or not. Whether it be sports, classes, schools, friends, homes, or voices, they've all changed. Middle school was the worst stage of my life for the fact that I was awkward and didn't fit in, and was very self concious about it. I think those two years are where I developed most of my focus on what others think of me. My inept social behavior stunted me indefinitely. I try to hide it, but I am still self concious, and I'm not sure if I will ever get over it. High school is where I really began to develop strong bonds with new people. 5 people in particular have changed my life and 4 continue to do so. Jake, Colin, Cody, Brett, and Seandee. These relationships were the thing in my life, aside from my family, that felt constant. I don't think it was just the fact that I was friends with them though, but something much stronger and somewhat difficult to explain, yet obvious. They were important to me, like family, and I cared about them much more than anyone or anything else. Essentially, I think the one constant in my life has been love. My mom and dad loved me like crazy as I grew up, and they continue to do so. I am forever indebted to them for that, and I understand it more and more every day as I grow up. I pray that I can pay them back by raising the most incredible children and loving them as much as my parents did me. And I loved my friends. I'm not sure when this realization came, but somewhere between now and then, I realized that I truely, in my heart, love these people. They mean so much to me, and I'm not sure if they know that, but I truely mean that. They were my touchstone, my base, my confidence to keep trying. They helped me through so much of my life that they most likely don't even know about, and I just wish that I mean even half as much to them. The second hardest part of my life was my split with Seandee. I took that really hard and would not let her go for a long time. She broke my heart, and for whatever reason, I could not handle that. It got to the point that I stepped back and looked at myself and was embarrassed. If people really knew how I was taking this, the crying and all the garbage that went with it, they would call me a bitch and tell me to get over it already, and I should have. But I couldn't, and I think the ultimate reason why was love. I lost my strongest and most passionate relationship, and I was devistated. I felt so alone and honestly wanted to keep it that way. Friendships came and went, but nothing really worked out, and it was my fault, but at the time I was just crippled. Then Hayley came into my life, and everything else went away. It was like magic, but I instantly matured, and I was in the greatest part of my life (which I am still in by the way). Now, I don't care about a lot of things really. I am pretty attached to my material possessions, of which I have plenty, but I wouldn't say I particularly care about them in this sense. When my house was broken into a few months ago, I lost my iPod and my digital camera. Aside from my computer, I probably used those two possessions the most, yet I could part with them. I knew that, while I was upset that they were gone, and believe me, I want my iPod everyday, I knew that I could buy new ones. What struck me as most telling about what I care about is the fact that I cared more about Hayley's possessions and her well-being than I did about myself. Maybe I'm not as selfish as I thought I was, but I don't think that's it really. I can still be selfish, but I know that I love her. I know it. And seeing her sad was like taking away some of the things I am MOST attached to. The one thing that matters to me most, above ALL else, is love. And I love her.

2006-08-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

Mo(u)rning

It's been 3 painful years
since she left this world
I've tried to move on
but I still miss my girl

It happened in August
we'd been married since June
but who was to know
she would be taken so soon

I can't explain
how it feels to be
a widower at twenty five
everyday
when I think of her
I can't help but cry

I wake up each day
and doubt I can do it again
I close up the curtains
and wish that the mo(u)rning would end

We ran off to Hartwood
got married in Grace
a beautiful chapel
she sure loved that place

She was asleep in the car
coming back from our date
I didn't see the truck
until it was too late

I can't explain
how it feels to be
a widower at twenty five
everyday
when I think of her
I can't help but cry

I wake up each day
and doubt I can do it again
I close up the curtains
and wish that the mo(u)rning would end

Most nights I can't sleep
'cause she's in my head
When I close my eyes
I still hear the words that she said

"I love you baby
please don't let me go"
I held her and cried
as I watched her eyes closing slow

I can't explain
how it feels to be
a widower at twenty five
everyday
when I think of her
I can't help but cry

I wake up each day
and doubt I can do it again
I close up the curtains
and wish that the mo(u)rning would end

She talked about Heaven
and who she'd like to meet
I hope that she's up there
saving my seat

Until then I sit
in a room that's too small
and think about why
I get up at all

I can't explain
how it feels to be
a widower at twenty five
everyday
when I think of her
I can't help but cry

I wake up each day
and doubt I can do it again
I close up the curtains
and wish that the mo(u)rning would end

2006-08-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

Hangover

pOUndINg hEAdaCHe
disorinetatoin
my ey s wo 't st y op n
light headed
feeling sickijbf
nose is ruuuuuuuuning
everything is too bright

just let me go back to bed

2006-08-25T11:30:00.001-07:00

Cigar

the heavy white smoke paints the night sky
it rises, slowly, a thick cloud of relaxation
the warm comfort fills the solitary hours
with a million images
like an old friend who has time to sit and listen
its peacefulness numbs the sorrows
a calm fire on one end
rhythmic in its enjoyment
recovering a forgotton communication with ones self
it takes me back to the front porch
sitting on Grandpa's knee
his aged voice and the soothing aroma
rock me to sleep on his shoulder

2006-08-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

I Still Love You

I don't believe you
and I never will
You hurt me so bad
left a hole I can't fill.

You built me up
made me feel so secure
then broke my heart
when I thought I was sure

You left with your life
took mine on your way
what do you want me to do
I've tried to forgive
but I'll never forget
that I still love you.

I wished I was dead
where life is a dream
but I tried to row
my way back upstream

it was no use
you were still in my head
so I cut myself
just sat there and bled

You left with your life
took mine on your way
what do you want me to do
I've tried to forgive
but I'll never forget
that I still love you.

I broke down and cried
my head in my hands
my heart fell to pieces
lost in the sands

I was afraid
to open my eyes
'cause then I might see you
waving goodbye

You left with your life
took mine on your way
what do you want me to do
I've tried to forgive
but I'll never forget
that I still love you.

I should have known
you'd leave me that way
but when you came back
what'd you want me to say

It isn't that easy
I want it to be
but unlike the others
it's different for me

You left with your life
took mine on your way
what do you want me to do
I've tried to forgive
but I'll never forget
that I still love you.

One thing I know
I can't take you back
my sky may turn grey
but my heart will not crack

You can't hold me down
no, not anymore
I've finally broken those chains
and walked out the door

You left with your life
took mine on your way
what do you want me to do
I've tried to forgive
but I'll never forget
that I still love you.

-still needs some work

2006-08-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

Reflective Windows

I.

The Portland skyline shines in the sun
reflective windows refracting light
blinding those who dare to look
a police car circles the block
don't stare directly into the windows

The mirrored windows are everywhere
showing the city its own reflection
pan the city from across the river
said: it looks average from afar
the horn of a barge sounds
said: I wonder if it's happy with its appearance

II.

said: but what of those behind the windows?
close on a building, shot up from the street
the light hides those who reside inside
the immoral, the corrupt, the greedy
the underbelly of this city/society
hiding in expensive suits/suites
Porche drives by, top down

This underbelly does not creep in the shadows
it does not take refuge in dark alleys
or seek shelter in some dank basement club
but rather sits high above the fallen leaves
cowering behind these panes/pains

the Morrison bridge raises
watching those who move about below
but not allowing anyone to peer inside at them
the fountain turns on
what are they hiding?

III.

Why have windows at all?
is the filthy Willamette river something to admire?
the fountain turns off
what about the homeless man
urinating into the same trash can from which he will eat tomorrow
is that worthy of a window?
yellow Ford Fiesta runs a red light

IV.

Or is it to spy on those in buildings around them?
the feeling of eyes darting back and forth nervously
sweep from ground to building across the street
that must be it
those inside are not hiding from the public
but instead from their competitors next door
paranoid that thier secrets will be exposed
the bus' brakes squeak as it grinds to a stop

V.

No, it isn't that at all
fade/time lapse the day to night, movement
the skyline finally matches the colors that run through its veins
the night brings out those same mirrored windows
reflection of Made In Oregon sign, still, stay
and alike the diverse people that "keep Portland weird"
both reflecting the beauty of this city

Wipe the reflection
it is now that the windows see
streets wet with life and excitement
front facade of the Crystal, pan from restaurant to ballroom
music spills into the streets
from the open windows of the Crystal Ballroom

VI.

The Pearl District beats
breathes life slowly through the empty streets
the reinvention of a place once abandoned
ancient brick breweries smell again of hops
the pride of the city is back, and evident

The windows hesitate to blink
afraid to miss the reawakening of their city
time lapse sunrise
the Portland skyline shines in the sun
pan skyline, slow fade

2006-08-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

Meaning

No matter how I decide to say it
I always mean it
The plain and simple truth is
I love you
I want to tell you everyday
I never want to stop telling you
You mean the world to me

You mean the world to me
I never want to stop telling you
I want to tell you everyday
I love you
The plain and simple truth is
I always mean it
No matter how I decide to say it

2006-08-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

Man In The Rock

The man in the rock watches.
The river,
the mountains,
the sky.
Stoic.
Does not feel joy,
nor grief, pleasure, or pain.
He is steadfast.
Wishing me safe travels.

2006-08-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

Wake

boat leaves
a trail
deceptive
peaceful at first
stretching
for the banks
until the next
boat comes
one in tow
fear

*splash*

ouch

2006-08-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

Everything Is Gonna Be Alright

Down the road to her house
Thinking about the way she loves me
Walking alone under that dim street light
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Her smiling face is waiting for me
She greets me at the door
As I look deeply into her eyes
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Everything's gonna be, gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
As long as she is standing by my side
I know everything is gonna be alright.

I lay down next to her head
She's warm and cuddled up in a dream
Think to myself it's a beautiful night
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Next day, she shows up at my door
brings me breakfast and a kiss
Sit on the porch in the soft sunlight
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Everything's gonna be, gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
As long as she is standing by my side
I know everything is gonna be alright.

5 years later nervous as can be
She's coming down the aisle
I've never seen her with a smile so bright
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Take the sold sign off the lawn
Walk into the empty house
She says I love you and holds me tight
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Everything's gonna be, gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
As long as she is standing by my side
I know everything is gonna be alright.

Down the road to our house
Thinking about the way I love her
I see her face and know I was right
Everything is gonna be alright.

I know everything is gonna be alright.

- For Hayley

2006-08-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

Redwood

I stand next to a redwood tree
and reach into the air,
what I wouldn't give to feel
the breeze that blows up there.

Yet while the tree is big and tall
and I am small below,
it teaches me to be myself
and someday I will grow.

It never is a race to see
who first can touch the sky,
but always just a loving push
the confidence to try.

As I grew up I ventured off
and sometimes left the tree,
but when I came around again
it was always there for me.

As I grew I passed the tree
in height now tall I stand,
but I never would have made it here
without its helping hand.

It showed me love and helped me grow
taught me good from bad,
and forever will I thank that tree
for that tree is my dad.

2006-08-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Change

Some say they fear change. I fear not changing.

I have tried to change myself; tried to grow in some areas and shrink in others. It feels like everybody around me carries this underlying feeling of resentment that I have somehow evoked. For better or for worse, I have tried to change many times. I have thought long and hard about who I am, and who I want to be, only to find that the two are not the same.

That ultimate conclusion is often hard to stomach. Long, restless nights of regret and apologies. "Why am I?": The question of existance. What makes me this? And is there a way to break from who I am?

I often debase myself and ask who I can blame. Was it the lack of religion in my upbringing? Was I blinded as a child, teenager, adult? Was it the hands of society that molded me? Who will carry this burden? The answer is, inevitably, me.

It all boils down to my own flawed volition I think. I have grown into a person I don't want to be, and like Sisyphus, I will forever be trying to change that. It truely is cyclical; I am reminded time and time again that I have not changed; I am still this person I don't want to be.

Yet, constantly ignoring the looming reality that it may be too late, I set out to balance myself, judging myself in every social situation, regressing to my mind often for confession. Walking on eggshells, fearing what I might do next. Is it plausible to accept this? Plausible to accept myself?

The worst part of it is, I have a sneaking suspicion that everybody knows who I am, and that's what I'm afraid of.

I fear not changing.

2006-07-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

Damn that orange

I -keep- a basket of oranges on my counter
I put them there for -your- convenience
you can have any orange you lay your -eyes- on
but if it's not -peeled- right it will squirt you
if you want I can do that one -for- you
all of -those- are pretty hard to peel
-damn- it just shot me in the eye
I hate -oranges-

2006-07-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

Pen & Paper

Wet with ink from previous words
My fingers drown in black

Struggling to stay afloat
my hand slides across the parchment
the ink bleeds and smears
it relentlessly spills from my pen

Words run together
they blend and create something original
yet evince just the same

The pen is hard to grasp
the meaning is obscured
but the purpose that drips out is clear

Mistakes are shadowed
discontent is buried
the restraits are lifted
and expression is set free

If I don't notice soon
it may consume me
but I do not worry

When the end comes
and the ink recedes
the stains wipe clean

The black washes from my skin
the ink forms on the paper
I can see its final form
but it runs deeper

I am detatched for now
safe to touch
but that feeling lingers
like silence after a gun shot
it is palpable

So I wait
I know it's coming
I can see it

The next flood approaches

2006-06-17T02:17:00.000-07:00

Faith

You were lost.
You didn’t know where you were, or how you got there.
You weren’t sure where you were going, but you weren’t going back.

It had been a long time since you left, but the memories cut deep;
like razor blades in your wrists.

You couldn’t shake them, as much as you tried.

Eventually your gashes healed, but the scars remained.
They held you back.
You weren’t yourself.
You cried.
You couldn’t stop.

You felt like you were alone, and you were.

You missed him, and hated that you did.
You were torn between life without him and life without yourself.
You were desperate.

Your faith was trembling.
Your heart was broken, and you knew this was all you had left.

You gave it one last shot.
You owed it to yourself.
You didn’t deserve to go like this.

You knelt.

He reached out.
You saw his hand, but couldn’t touch him.
You felt him.
He loved you.
You loved him.

He saved your life.

2006-06-17T01:54:00.000-07:00

Again

I thought I had it once.
I really did.

It felt right.

Maybe it was.
Maybe not.
I’ll never know.

Does anyone ever know?

I was starting to doubt it.
Then she showed up.
Everything changed.
Everything was the same.

I felt it again.

My heart pounded.
My soul grew wings.
I was happy.
I was alive.
I was sure.

Again.

2006-06-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

Rain

I walked into the rain.
It was coming down.
I didn’t care.
It was different.
I was ready.

I looked up.
It ran down my face.
I didn’t blink.
It was special.
I was nervous.

I watched the water rise.
It reached my chest.
I didn’t move.
It was scary.
I was drowning.

I saw the wave hit.
It took me.
I let it.
It was raining you.
I was in love.

Mission Statement

2006-06-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

I have been inspired. Cody recently set up a blog for his writing, and it got me started. I've always liked to write, so I figured I'd do the same. I'd also like your input, so if you have anything to submit, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you an invite to join this blog. Then you can post your stuff. I'll keep my main blog, as this is just a side project, but I thought this would be fun. Hope you enjoy.