What really matters

I haven't been sure about much in my life. There's been a lot of transition and changes I've gone through, many whether I liked it or not. Whether it be sports, classes, schools, friends, homes, or voices, they've all changed. Middle school was the worst stage of my life for the fact that I was awkward and didn't fit in, and was very self concious about it. I think those two years are where I developed most of my focus on what others think of me. My inept social behavior stunted me indefinitely. I try to hide it, but I am still self concious, and I'm not sure if I will ever get over it. High school is where I really began to develop strong bonds with new people. 5 people in particular have changed my life and 4 continue to do so. Jake, Colin, Cody, Brett, and Seandee. These relationships were the thing in my life, aside from my family, that felt constant. I don't think it was just the fact that I was friends with them though, but something much stronger and somewhat difficult to explain, yet obvious. They were important to me, like family, and I cared about them much more than anyone or anything else. Essentially, I think the one constant in my life has been love. My mom and dad loved me like crazy as I grew up, and they continue to do so. I am forever indebted to them for that, and I understand it more and more every day as I grow up. I pray that I can pay them back by raising the most incredible children and loving them as much as my parents did me. And I loved my friends. I'm not sure when this realization came, but somewhere between now and then, I realized that I truely, in my heart, love these people. They mean so much to me, and I'm not sure if they know that, but I truely mean that. They were my touchstone, my base, my confidence to keep trying. They helped me through so much of my life that they most likely don't even know about, and I just wish that I mean even half as much to them. The second hardest part of my life was my split with Seandee. I took that really hard and would not let her go for a long time. She broke my heart, and for whatever reason, I could not handle that. It got to the point that I stepped back and looked at myself and was embarrassed. If people really knew how I was taking this, the crying and all the garbage that went with it, they would call me a bitch and tell me to get over it already, and I should have. But I couldn't, and I think the ultimate reason why was love. I lost my strongest and most passionate relationship, and I was devistated. I felt so alone and honestly wanted to keep it that way. Friendships came and went, but nothing really worked out, and it was my fault, but at the time I was just crippled. Then Hayley came into my life, and everything else went away. It was like magic, but I instantly matured, and I was in the greatest part of my life (which I am still in by the way). Now, I don't care about a lot of things really. I am pretty attached to my material possessions, of which I have plenty, but I wouldn't say I particularly care about them in this sense. When my house was broken into a few months ago, I lost my iPod and my digital camera. Aside from my computer, I probably used those two possessions the most, yet I could part with them. I knew that, while I was upset that they were gone, and believe me, I want my iPod everyday, I knew that I could buy new ones. What struck me as most telling about what I care about is the fact that I cared more about Hayley's possessions and her well-being than I did about myself. Maybe I'm not as selfish as I thought I was, but I don't think that's it really. I can still be selfish, but I know that I love her. I know it. And seeing her sad was like taking away some of the things I am MOST attached to. The one thing that matters to me most, above ALL else, is love. And I love her.